The Discipline of "I" Statements

 Learning to use "I" statements is a building block for peacemaking that we used to practice with our TAP teens.  During last week's DTEC gathering, one of us spoke about the importance of using "I" statements if we are to constructively engage difficult conversations.
Here is another helpful reflection from Jim McGinnis:

"First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye."  -- Matthew 7:5

     We are so quick to judge others, so quick with "you messages."  But "you messages" usually escalate a conflict. "You lazy jerk!"  "Lazy jerk?  Who do you think you are, some mighty judge?  All you ever do around here is complain.  You never . . ."   We know how such exchanges take place and how they escalate into full-blown fights.

    "I messages" break this cycle of verbal violence and offer us a "third way" to deal with conflict. Many people know only two ways: fight or flight.  Indeed, walking away from a conflictual situation is sometimes prudent. But in many situations it would be better to challenge the injustice or stand up for oneself--without violence.

    The best 'I messages" have four components: "I feel . . . when . . . because . . . and I want . . ."  For example: I feel angry, used, and a little confused when you don't do what you say you will, because I then end up doing all the tasks and feel resentful the whole time.  I want you to follow through on your commitments." That is so much more productive and respectful that starting with a "you message."  If this direct statement doesn't produce the desired result, you can try restating it more forcefully: "I'm not sure I made myself clear.  I really do feel resentful when . . ."  If this doesn't work, try adding a realistic consequence:   "I have told you how angry I get when we're having company and you don't do the tasks you've agreed to do.  If you can't share the preparation, I can't agree to having friends over as often."  Finally, if that doesn't work, you can take it to the next level and carry out the consequence.

This kind of verbal assertiveness is a critical skill everyone should learn.  It takes practice, of course, but it also requires a different attitude or mindset.  It's really a spiritual discipline.  I take ownership over my feelings while respecting the dignity of others and refusing to hurt them with my words.  I look at my behavior honestly and refrain from judging others and jumping to conclusions.  But I don't let myself be violated or victimized.  I take the risk to stand up for myself, but refuse to fight.