The Discipline of "I" Statements

 Learning to use "I" statements is a building block for peacemaking that we used to practice with our TAP teens.  During last week's DTEC gathering, one of us spoke about the importance of using "I" statements if we are to constructively engage difficult conversations.
Here is another helpful reflection from Jim McGinnis:

"First take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor's eye."  -- Matthew 7:5

     We are so quick to judge others, so quick with "you messages."  But "you messages" usually escalate a conflict. "You lazy jerk!"  "Lazy jerk?  Who do you think you are, some mighty judge?  All you ever do around here is complain.  You never . . ."   We know how such exchanges take place and how they escalate into full-blown fights.

    "I messages" break this cycle of verbal violence and offer us a "third way" to deal with conflict. Many people know only two ways: fight or flight.  Indeed, walking away from a conflictual situation is sometimes prudent. But in many situations it would be better to challenge the injustice or stand up for oneself--without violence.

    The best 'I messages" have four components: "I feel . . . when . . . because . . . and I want . . ."  For example: I feel angry, used, and a little confused when you don't do what you say you will, because I then end up doing all the tasks and feel resentful the whole time.  I want you to follow through on your commitments." That is so much more productive and respectful that starting with a "you message."  If this direct statement doesn't produce the desired result, you can try restating it more forcefully: "I'm not sure I made myself clear.  I really do feel resentful when . . ."  If this doesn't work, try adding a realistic consequence:   "I have told you how angry I get when we're having company and you don't do the tasks you've agreed to do.  If you can't share the preparation, I can't agree to having friends over as often."  Finally, if that doesn't work, you can take it to the next level and carry out the consequence.

This kind of verbal assertiveness is a critical skill everyone should learn.  It takes practice, of course, but it also requires a different attitude or mindset.  It's really a spiritual discipline.  I take ownership over my feelings while respecting the dignity of others and refusing to hurt them with my words.  I look at my behavior honestly and refrain from judging others and jumping to conclusions.  But I don't let myself be violated or victimized.  I take the risk to stand up for myself, but refuse to fight.

Readings

Here are a couple of readings to stimulate our thinking and our discussions:

Radical Hospitality

Speaking the Truth in Love

Listening as Yielding

     Much of the violence within our hearts and in our society comes from the desire to be in charge, to be first , to win.  We want to be the first in line whenever there is food, a sale,or a ticket to buy.  Some of us are always passing others on the highway to get to our exit as fast as we can, rather than falling back behind others in the exit lane.  In conversations we want to be in control, get in all we want to say, and make sure the outcome is what we planned . . . Frankly, we like being on top.
We tend to dominate.
     Listening is a powerful antidote to this desire to dominate.  When we  listen carefully, we let go of our own agenda and focus on others.  We do not hurriedly craft our response in order to win a point; rather, we try to understand what others are saying and to sense how they are feeling.
Careful listeners are "active listeners."  Before responding with their own opinion or story, careful listeners feed back or paraphrase what they sense others are feeling and saying.  They know that not every verbal encounter needs to be a debate, and not every jaunt down the highway needs to be a race to the exit.
     Yielding to others is difficult for people who are bent on winning or controlling.   But nonviolence is precisely about yielding control and power. It;s not yielding our dignity and letting others abuse or violate us.  Rather, it's the yielding of the need to always be in charge.

--Jim McGinnis, from A Call to Peace

Meditation

The Sufis advise us to speak only after our words have managed to pass through three gates.  At the first gate we ask ourselves, "Are these words true?" If so, we let them pass on;  if not,back they go.  At the second gate we ask, "Are they necessary?" At the last gate we ask,"Are they kind?"
  --Eknath Easwaran

A New Horizon

"God has made known to  us the mystery of his will, according to his good pleasure that he set forth in Christ, as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."--Ephesians 1:9-10

New Life in the Midst of the Everyday

The Letter to the Ephesians has some remarkable content.  The latter part of the fourth chapter begins to lay out a "guide to the new life" in Christ:  instructions that will help us "put away the former way of life" and "be renewed in the spirit of our minds . . .clothing ourselves with the new self, created according to the likeness of God."

These instructions include:
--Let all of us speak the truth to our neighbors, for we belong to each other.  As we learn to do this, put away falsehood.
--Be angry but do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down on your anger.
--Practice gracious talk.  Let only what is useful for building up come out of your mouths, so that your words may give grace to those who hear.
--Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another as God in Christ has forgiven you. As you do that, put away from you all bitterness and wrath and anger and wrangling and slander, together with all malice.

If we commit ourselves to these things, it will be a new way of living in the world, right where we are, that works towards the unity God intends.   As we engage these positive practices, learning them by heart, negative practices will be displaced.  These are ethics to be claimed and embodied.